This last couple of days has been incredibly challenging with the AVM opening on my tongue, bringing up my fears of dying and recurring nightmares that have occurred in my past about bleeding to death. It was a bit of a “slap in the face”, a wake up call. I have felt so positive, like, I have beat this thing (HHT)… with my nose bleeds completely under control, this was as if it was God’s way of affirming that I must make friends with this dragon, rather than think that it does not exist anymore as a part of my being.
It has been an incredibly hard journey much like when nobody could help me with my nose bleeds, going through a whirlwind of emotions; fear, sadness, defeat, and loneliness. I shed many tears.
After finding a doctor who had gone to medical school at University of Utah, where one of few HHT clinics are, I got some relief and was welcomed into his office to have my tongue cauterized to stop the bleeding, leaving a hole and scar in my tongue. As the emotions cleared today and I felt the support of my community and family, I begin to think rationally again, and remembered what had happened on my vision quest just a few weeks ago…. which I would like to share.
My vision quest was a time a facing my fears; my fear of death, and my fear of trauma taking over my life and never leaving my body… it was facing my biggest demons. As I laid on a rock facing the sky, hungry and fully exposed to the desert, I screamed and asked The Great Mother (earth), “Why? Why do I have to die earlier than everyone else and suffer?” I realize it’s a somewhat benign question, being that it is what it is, but it’s what came into my heart. She answered,
“My child, your fears will kill you before I do, for I am kind. You came from me, and you will return to me, just like every other creature.”
Not only is this profound and applicable to everyone’s life, in terms of stress literally killing us (especially in the United States), but also in the way that we do not live in the present and so our lives escape us, they pass us by and we never fully live.
So there are two choices that I have, one, I can live in a false reality of fears, doubts, and fantasies, or I can live in the present moment, in true reality. As I was spitting out mouthfuls of blood at times all I could think about was the amount of suffering which might occur in five years, ten years, twenty years, and rarely did I sit with the feeling of just being scared. So you might ask, what’s the difference? Being scared out of your mind doesn’t sound much better than thinking of the future? Well it is, because I do not know what will happen tomorrow, or in an hour, or in ten years.
All we have is now. Now was scared, next to a warm fire with a garden that feeds me outside my door, a shelter over my head, and a man who allows me to be the fullest woman that I can be and accepts me for all that I am. That was now, and really, it wasn’t so bad if I took a moment to be present with what I presently had.
I encourage you to practice being in the now, even when you are in excruciating pain, or sadness, because if you don’t, your life will pass you by and you may not see all that is calling to you and in your life.
For many people reading this blog, this will be preaching to the choir, but even the most practiced people need reminders, teachers, wake up calls. I know I did, so this is my medicine I am offering to you from my most recent struggle with being present.